NECROMANCY!

INT. BIG, EMPTY CAVE - NIGHT

ROBERT WHITE is lighting some of the candles that dot the cave (or maybe an abandoned warehouse, or huge field, just big, and mostly barren). Robert is wearing a long, dark, hooded robe; his face and his clothes are obscured. He would be rather ominous were he not humming a cheery song to himself. He is holding a BIG SCARY BOOK. After he lights the 13th and final candle, he flips open the book and reads aloud.

ROBERT

Let’s see... “Draw a pentagram, about five feet wide, in blood if possible.” Well, that ain’t possible.

Robert takes a Sharpie from the inner pocket of his robe and proceeds to draw a rough pentagram on the ground. When he’s nearly finished, DANIEL GREGG walks in. He’s wearing the same type of robe, and looks around nervously, fidgeting. He’s quite uneasy about what he’s doing.

DANIEL

(Very nervous)

Robert? I... I got it. It’s in my car.

ROBERT

Excellent. I’ll be right out to help you bring it in.

DANIEL walks back out. ROBERT finishes the pentagram, placing the marker back in his pocket. He stands up and puts the book on the ground before heading out after DANIEL. A moment passes. The two necromancers return, each carrying an end of the CORPSE, which is heavily wrapped in sheets.

ROBERT

Good job, my young apprentice.

DANIEL

Thank you, master.

ROBERT

Danny! What have I told you about calling me master?

DANIEL

It makes us seem like deviants, and not practitioners of a noble and ancient craft. What have I said about calling me your young apprentice?

ROBERT

It sounds more like I’m living out a kooky medieval fantasy than anything else.

DANIEL

That it does.

(Regarding the body)

Geez, this thing is heavy!

ROBERT

Yeah, just set’r down in the pentagram.

DANIEL

Which end is at the point?

ROBERT

I don’t know... I’ll check.

ROBERT drops his end of the corpse and picks up the book. DANIEL keeps dragging the corpse towards the pentagram.

ROBERT

Doesn’t say. Don’t suppose it matters, though.

DANIEL

I’d still like to know for sure, things might go wrong. Remember last week...?

ROBERT

Hey, it’s not my fault the wraith reacted like that. It’s a wraith, it attacks things.

DANIEL drops the corpse into the pentagram.

ROBERT

(Continued)

Besides, the book said that we would be protected. It never claimed that family was included too.

DANIEL

(Angrily)

My brother lost a finger!

ROBERT

He lost a pinky!

(Brandishing a pinky)

A pinky! He shouldn’t have wandered in anyway.

DANIEL

At least we aren’t doing it in my house anymore.

ROBERT

I can’t go to your house anymore, after you told your mother I cut of Jason’s finger!

DANIEL

What? What was I supposed to say? “Oh, no Ma, it was a WRAITH! Yep, I summoned a vengeful spirit while you were away and OOPS! it sought vengeance!”

ROBERT

Fine! I’m sorry! Sorry I got your brother attacked by a wraith! Happy? Now can we get started before sunrise?

A short, uncomfortable pause.

DANIEL

I’m sorry I got mad. I’m just kind of nervous, I mean... we’re gonna raise a zombie!

ROBERT

Calm down Danny, this is nothing new.

DANIEL

Nothing new? I just... kidnapped a dead guy! That’s pretty darn new!

ROBERT

Point. But, look at it this way, if we don’t raise a zombie, we can never be accepted into the necromantic community. We’d just be ghost geeks. Posers, pretenders, fakers. A cover band of the damned. The gateway between hobbyist and professional is blocked by 150 pounds of flesh. We just have to ask that flesh to get up and move.

DANIEL

But, does it have to be human? Can’t we, like, start with a dog zombie and work our way up?

ROBERT

(Skeptical)

Now why would we want to–

(Suddenly interested)

Actually, that’s a pretty neat idea. But we’ve already got a human corpse, so let’s make do, ‘kay? For tonight, we unlock the dread secrets of the Necronimocon Ex Mortis, and bring a body back from beyond the veil of death itself!

DANIEL

Okay. So, what do we do?

ROBERT

(Looking in the book)

First we need a knife.

ROBERT removes a knife from his pocket.

ROBERT

Here we go. Did you get the dirt from the grave?

DANIEL removes a large bag of dirt from his inner pocket.

DANIEL

Got it.

ROBERT

Great. And now we’re gonna need some human blood.

ROBERT sets the book down on the ground, near the corpse.

DANIEL

Human blood? Where are we supposed to get blood?

ROBERT

(Sardonically)

Where indeed...

Longish pause as DANIEL struggles towards comprehension. Suddenly...

DANIEL

OH, NO! Robert, no! Not me! Put down the knife!

ROBERT

Hey, we used MY blood to bind that specter, remember? It’s your turn!

DANIEL

B-but... blood...

ROBERT

You didn’t get into this thinking necromancy was just lighting candles and traipsing through cemeteries, did you?

DANIEL

(Mildly embarrassed)

Actually, at first I was pretty sure it was like cooking, in the oven, with... cakes and stuff.

ROBERT

(Confused)

You mean baking?

DANIEL

Yeah, that’s it. (Pause) Your flyer was kinda misleading.

ROBERT

(Quoting)

“Wanted: Apprentice necromancer. Master the secrets of the undead; no prior experience needed.”

DANIEL

It had a drawing of a muffin on it.

ROBERT

That was a skull. Can we get on with this?

DANIEL raised his fist.

DANIEL

How ‘bout a best of three?

ROBERT rolls his eyes but raises his fist as well. Both mentally prepare themselves for a match of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

ROBERT&DANIEL

(Together)

Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!

Both get rock.

ROBERT&DANIEL

(Together)

Tie, again! Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!

Both get paper.

ROBERT&DANIEL

(Together)

Tie, again! Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!

DANIEL gets rock, ROBERT gets scissors.

DANIEL

Yes! You lose!

ROBERT

You said best of three!

DANIEL

That was three. I win.

ROBERT

But– fine. You win.

ROBERT holds out the knife by its blade.

ROBERT

Could you do it please?

As DANIEL reaches for the knife, ROBERT grabs DANIEL's wrist with his free hand, tosses the knife up and catches it by its handle, and stabs DANIEL's index finger. DANIEL shrieks, and grabs his finger in pain.

ROBERT

If you could find a place to collect that, that’d be good. Or just drain into the bag of dirt, yeah, that’ll be fine.

DANIEL puts his bleeding finger in the bag of dirt.

DANIEL

(Whimpering)

This can’t be sanitary.

ROBERT wipes the knife on his robe and puts it back in his pocket.

ROBERT

If you’d just agree to give the blood I could have found a cup and sterilized the knife, but no... I had to trick you. Wimp.

DANIEL

Well at least I can draw a proper skull!

ROBERT

You know admitting that you intended to sign up for baking lessons doesn’t help your case any.

DANIEL

(Defensive)

Girls like guys that know how to cook.

ROBERT

I’d bet they prefer a guy who can defend their home with a field of powerful liches.

DANIEL

Liches? What’s a lich?

ROBERT retrieves the book and opens it to the proper place.

ROBERT

An angry spirit of a wizard, housed in a skull, that can’t move, but can absorb the soul of anything that gets near it.

DANIEL

We never made one of those.

ROBERT

There’s like a 50 percent chance it would backfire and kill us.

DANIEL

Oh. (Longish pause) So, could you house a lich in a muffin?

ROBERT

(Chuckling)

Quiet you.

DANIEL removes his finger from the bag.

DANIEL

I think I’m dry, should I start spreading this stuff?

ROBERT reaches into his inner pocket and gets a bandage. He gives it to DANIEL who promptly puts it on.

DANIEL

Thanks.

ROBERT

Better unwrap our subject before we do anything else.

DANIEL

Right. Grab a corner.

ROBERT grabs a corner with his free hand, and DANIEL grabs another. Both pull and eventually the corpse rolls out, landing in the middle of the pentagram with one arm flung out. ROBERT and DANIEL are pretty grossed out at this point. The corpse has seen better days.

DANIEL

Eew.

ROBERT

Agreed. Eew.

(He checks the book)

Now we sprinkle the dirt and blood over him, than start the chant.

DANIEL dumps the dirty blood on the corpse’s chest.

DANIEL

We’re almost there! For as nervous as I was, this is getting pretty exciting.

ROBERT

Before we go any further I should again remind you that Necromancy is a dangerous, though enticing, art.

DANIEL

Meaning there’s a chance this thing’ll try to kill us... I’m nervous again.

ROBERT

(Comforting)

Hey, the chances of that are slim. We’re getting real good at this. Granted, there was that wraith incident, but that was just a disaster of circumstance.

DANIEL

I still have nightmares about my first day.

ROBERT

Well, that was the first day! We’re wiser now. Plus I’m fairly sure no one would ever have suspected a Ouija board could have done that!

DANIEL

(Muttering)

Couldn’t eat solids for a week...

ROBERT

Besides, we got these nice robes with the Parker Brothers hush money, right?

DANIEL

And what about the time we were attacked by that vampire?

ROBERT

What about it? We hadn’t done anything. We were just attacked. By a vampire. At a Burger King. Happens to everyone.

DANIEL

I’m just saying we should be careful, that’s all. We don't have the greatest luck.

ROBERT

I did set up and light all these candles, you know.

DANIEL

The zombie can’t go outside the ring of candles?

ROBERT

Of course it can, but we can use them to burn it if it turns violent. Haven’t you seen Night of the Living Dead?

DANIEL

No.

ROBERT

Pity. Great movie. You should rent it sometime.

DANIEL

Maybe I will, later.

ROBERT

(Tentatively)

Yeah... it’s a classic...

Long pause as ROBERT and DANIEL come to grips with just what they’re about to do.

ROBERT

I don’t think we can put this off any longer.

DANIEL

(Less enthusiastic)

Okay. Let’s do it.

DANIEL and ROBERT move together and ROBERT opens the book wide, so both can read it. They chant together...

ROBERT&DANIEL

(Reading together)

Saluto phasma phasmatis, adiuv invicem fraters, nec carpo haec somes, hec. Nos retribu quinque pecunia.

(Note, this is Roughly Latin for ‘Hi, dead spirits, help a brother out, possess this dead guy, here. We’ll give you five bucks for your troubles.’)

Both stare expectantly at the corpse, which fails to do anything of interest. ROBERT and DANIEL glance at one another, and pause for a moment. They stare at the corpse again. They glance at each other again. ROBERT shrugs. DANIEL peers closely at the book, then slowly, deliberately, turns the page. ROBERT sighs at his own foolishness, as DANIEL tries to stifle a laugh. They chant again.

ROBERT&DANIEL

(Reading together)

Decus pecuna, aprus.

(‘Ten bucks, then.’)

This time, the corpse reacts as soon as they finish. It stretches out a bit, groans slightly, and struggles to climb to its feet.

ROBERT

It’s working! It’s working! We did it! We did it!

At about this point the corpse leaps on ROBERT, who staggers around as DANIEL cringes, clutching the book tightly.

ROBERT

It’s not working! It’s not working! I’m in pain! Help!

DANIEL beats wildly at the corpse with the book.

DANIEL

Down! Bad zombie! Off! Off!

The corpse relents and lets go of ROBERT. ROBERT grabs a candle for protection and the zombie lurches out of the cave.

DANIEL

Are you okay?

ROBERT

(Dusting himself off)

I think so... wait... aw man!

(Checking his pocket)

He stole my wallet! Dead zombie bastard stole my wallet!

DANIEL

(Looking out, towards the corpse)

Plus I think he’s going to kill some people out there, look!

A moment passes.

DANIEL

Yep, he killed them all right.

ROBERT

(Looking out as well)

And now he’s taking their wallets! Has he no shame! And his hat! He stole that man’s hat! Have the dead no respect for the, er, other dead!

DANIEL

Oh thank goodness, there’s a cop. He’ll take care of that thing.

(They stare for a few beats, then wince in unison.)

…uh… if questioned…?

ROBERT

(Very fast)

I was never here, you were never here, we just caught the new Stallone movie, it was dumb but bearable and he’s in good shape even though he’s getting old, and afterwards we went to Starbucks. Don’t be silly, zombies aren’t real and neither are ghosts, wraiths, specters, banshees, liches, deadites or vampires.

DANIEL

Got it. Would I be correct in assuming we’re off zombies for a while?

ROBERT

Pretty much, yeah. You say girls like guys who can cook?

DANIEL

That’s what I heard, yes.

ROBERT

Then rest up, for tomorrow we tackle the dread mysteries of the malevolent muffin! And while we’re at it, I just might send this damned book back to where I found it.

DANIEL

Where did you find it, anyway?

ROBERT

eBay.

DANIEL

(Hurriedly)

Sounds great. See you tomorrow. That… thing… seems to be coming back, so I’m going to run away.

DANIEL grabs a few candles and runs out the cave, as fast as he can, away from the corpse. ROBERT grabs the rest and runs the same way. The corpse then lurches in, across the cave, and out, wearing a nice new hat at a jaunty angle.

THE END