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NECROMANCY 2: Stovetop Boogaloo
Dramatis Personae:
ROBERT WHITE is in his late twenties to early thirties. He’s the snarky, jerky one, but he’s not a bad guy.
DANIEL GREGG is in his late teens, still a high school senior. He’s the naïve, nervous one, but he’s not averse to practicing magic.
AZAEOTHOTH, EATER OF SOULS is as old as eternity. He’s the evil, demonic one, but he’s not all that powerful on the mortal realm.
The scene begins in the kitchen at Dan’s house. All that’s really needed is an oven, facing away from the audience, but a table with various foodstuffs would be nice too. DAN is there, reading a cookbook and putting ingredients into a large bowl.
DAN
(To himself, reading)
Hmm… let’s see now, “separate two eggs, add flour, one tablespoon of butter, or margarine if possible…” well that ain’t possible!
He adds a pat of butter to the bowl as ROBERT WHITE walks in.
rob
Is… is it ready?
dan
The first batch should be getting done right about now, yes. You know, you look really different without that robe on. I mean, really, really different, I can barely recognize you.
rob
Yeah, well, part of that has to do with this being so early. I mean seriously, who bakes muffins at nine in the morning?
dan
It’s three in the afternoon.
rob
Whatever! It’s still too early for cooking. It’s not right. It’s unnatural, is what it is.
dan
Unnatural? Unnatural? This, from the man who, just yesterday, used an ancient book of magic to raise a zombie which, if I am not mistaken, is still on a rampage somewhere in Romero?
rob
(Comfortingly)
Danny, Danny, Danny. If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: you’re equally at fault for helping me. And I’ll sing like a canary if the police so much as look at me.
dan
That was not as comforting as your tone of voice would lead me to believe.
rob
Well, then, it must have been a thinly-veiled threat. So where were we? Is it time to say the ancient rites?
dan
No, Robert, there are no ancient rites in baking. We’ve been over this a dozen times, you just put it in the oven and wait, no magic is involved.
rob
(Muttering to himself)
Pretty lousy… no magic… stupid kid…
dan
Just what is it with you and magic anyway? I mean, why pursue it? Why try out those magic spells in the first place?
rob
Dan, I’ve never told this to anyone before…
dan
Yeah?
rob
Hand me that whisk.
dan
What? I… oh… okay. Um… yeah.
rob
You were looking for a big, soul-searching revelation? I wanted ultimate power, kid, it’s not that difficult to figure out. Now that the power’s backfired, we’re in a cooling-off period where I’m learning how to cook. Happy?
dan
No… not really.
rob
Good. So what happens now?
Dan
(Looks in the book)
Um… keep stirring for a while, and-
(There is a timer DING!)
Oh! That’s the first batch! Keep stirring, I’ll be right back. Don’t stop stirring!
rob
Great.
Dan goes off and turns on the oven, opening it to look inside, and a blue light shines on him from within the oven. Robert doesn’t notice.
rob
Y’know, Danny, one day, when I’m a powerful sorcerer, and you’re a powerful… well, when you’re out of school, then we’re gonna look back at some of these earlier hiccoughs and laugh, and laugh.
(When Dan fails to respond)
Danny? You listening to me?
dan
(Staring in the oven)
I… uh… it… swirling blue vortex of doom!
rob
What?
Dan
(With big explanatory hand gestures)
In the oven! Swirling! Blue! Vortex! Doom!
rob
(Makes a tiny gesture)
You forgot ‘of’.
dan
(Copies gesture)
Of doom! What do we do?
Rob
(Peers in the oven)
Nothing. It doesn’t really seem to be a doom sort of vortex. Looks more like some sort of portal to another world.
dan
A portal? Do… do we go through it?
rob
What? No, of course not.
dan
But why?
rob
Danny, think about it. There are, what, two kinds of portals? A, it leads to hell or some other world of the dead sort of thing, or B, a parallel universe. Do we, necromancers, the people who spend every weekend and holiday tampering with the forces of the dead, want to go to where they outnumber us?
dan
…no?
rob
Very good.
dan
But what if it leads to a parallel universe? Wouldn’t we want to see it?
rob
No!
dan
Why not?
rob
I’ll tell you why not. Because it’s, like, 99% likely that that’s going to be an alternate-reality Earth where the Axis won WWII, so we wind up in some crazy Nazi-Gestapo version of Romero, where we stumble about for a while until we meet up with a band of rebels led by alternate-reality version of one of us (probably you), who wants us to replace the alternate reality version of the other one (probably me), who’s an underling in the vast military machine with just enough power to stop some plot of the new and improved super robot Hitler. Something goes wrong, we get captured, there’s a daring escape where one if not both of our alternates is killed, and we get back to portal just as it’s closing with barely enough time to escape the clutches of the aforementioned super robot Hitler. Is that what you want? Is it?
dan
(Sadly)
I… no.
rob
(Picks up the cookbook and takes command)
Thought so. Now, you start adding the raisins and nuts, yes?
dan
Whoa, you’re going to keep making the muffins? With a swirling blue vortex of doom in the oven?
rob
The book says nothing about swirling blue vortexes of doom being a problem.
dan
Why would a cookbook account for a swirling blue vortex of doom?
rob
I should think the authors should know whether a swirl-… you know, I’m sick of saying “Swirling blue vortex of doom”, so I’m just going to call it a SBVOD from now on. And I think if a SBVOD were a problem, they’d have mentioned it.
dan
Cookbooks aren’t like magic books, Robert! They don’t account for every possible way you can get killed, complete with statistics and averages! It wouldn’t mention any SPOVBD…D.
rob
SBVOD.
dan
Whatever! I just think that maybe we should get out of here, is all. I don’t want anything coming out of that portal. I mean, there’s gotta be an equivalent opening in the Nazi-Gestapo reality, right?
rob
Yeah, well, I’m sure-
There is a sudden, hollow moaning from the stove. Rob is cut off, and looks at the stove with mild concern. Daniel, on the other hand, turns and dives away from it, screaming.
dan
(While diving)
Super robot Hitler is coming to get me!
rob
(Poking around the vortex)
Hello in there?
dan
Don’t tease Hitler!
rob
It’s not Hitler!
dan
It might be Hitler!
rob
IT’S NOT HITLER!
(To oven)
Are you Hitler?
The oven groans in a vaguely negative manner.
rob
Not Hitler.
dan
(Whimpers)
…Hitler…
rob
(Ignores Dan and talks to the stove)
So, who’s in there?
Demon
(Withing the SBVOD)
I represent the forces of darkness, and you have been meddling far too long! You are to-
rob
Portal to Hell! Called it!
Demon
And you are to-
dan
Good job.
Demon
And you are to-
rob
Well, I try.
Demon
AND YOU ARE TO-
dan
Should we listen to the voice?
rob
Nah.
Demon
Yes!
rob
(Sighs)
Fine, then. What are we to?
Demon
You are to cease practicing magic immediately!
dan
Okay! Okay Mr. Stove! Robert, find yourself a new apprentice.
rob
Dan. You stuck with me through a good dozen creatures attacking us, thirsty for blood, but one little stove starts talking to you and you freak out? Let’s find out if Stovington has an ultimatum before we get crazy.
(To stove)
So, uh, who are you, Hellboy?
Demon
You may call me the Eater of Souls!
rob
… no. No, I’m not going to do that.
Demon
Then call me Azaeothoth!
rob
I’m gonna call you Frank. That good, Frank?
The stove roars in an unfriendly manner.
rob
He likes it.
dan
What’s it doing in my oven?
rob
Ask him if you’re so interested!
dan
Um… Frank? Wh- what are you doing in my oven?
Demon
It was your spell that opened a portal to my realm! You summoned me!
There is a brief confused silence.
rob
Danny: sidebar.
Rob closes the oven with a BANG and steps away from it to speak to Dan in secret.
Rob
Danny, what spell is he talking about? The Necronimicon is still at that cave where we raised the zombie, unless you went back for it later.
dan
I don’t know! I didn’t do anything today except making that first batch of muffins!
rob
Hmm…
(He begins examining the cookbook)
I don’t recognize this cookbook… you get it recently?
dan
(Proudly)
It’s my own personal cookbook, I got it a few months ago, before I met you and got… involved with everything. This is the first chance I’ve had to use it, though.
rob
Where did you find it?
dan
You know, it’s the darndest thing;
there was a store on
rob
Oh, dear. Was it a small store you had never seen before, packed with a wide array of different goods, headed by an elderly, mysterious shopkeeper, and seemingly larger in the inside than the outside appearance would allow?
dan
Oh, no. Don’t tell me that’s where you bought the magic book!
rob
No, I got it on eBay, but that was part of the seller’s description.
dan
Are you telling me that this is some sort of… witch’s spellbook, disguised as pastry recipes?
rob
Rather poorly disguised, looking at the ingredients.
dan
I knew there was something suspicious about including tarragon and wolfsbane in a breakfast food!
rob
(
“Eye of newt?”
dan
That I figured was some sort of old country slang for raisons.
rob
Don’t assume things like that!
dan
Sorry. Oh, I’m an idiot.
rob
Yes!
(Dan looks very sad)
Wait, no, I didn’t mean that. You’re not an idiot, you’re just… well… listen, try not to take the fact that I can’t complete that sentence as an insult.
dan
Um. Okay.
Robert reopens the oven.
rob
Alright Frank, we’re back. Uh, turns out that summoning was completely accidental.
Demon
What?
dan
Um, yeah… my fault… sorry. You, uh, you just go back to Hell now, please.
Demon
Were it any other pair of fools I would, but you two make me particularly sick, sticking your noses where they don’t belong, practicing magic you could never understand! No, prepare to feel my wrath!
Robert and Daniel scream and clutch each other for safety as the demon emits an evil, evil laugh. Then there are some struggling sounds, and it’d be really cool if the oven started shaking or something. After a long pause, Daniel looses his grip on Robert and glances at the oven.
dan
Um… I’m not feeling any wrath yet.
rob
Yeah, me either. I, uh, I don’t think the demon can get out.
Demon
Yes… I… can… ARGH! This portal is so poorly constructed! What sort of cauldron is this? I can’t get through!
dan
Wow. I am a lot less worried about this whole thing now.
Demon
Don’t you dare grow complacent! As soon as I’m through I will-
Dan cuts off the demon by slamming the oven door.
dan
So what do we do now?
rob
Well, I think the batter is ready to be poured into the mold.
dan
I meant about the demon!
rob
Oh. Nothing, I guess. I mean, it can’t do anything to us, it’s just sort of annoying.
dan
Robert, my mother gets home from work in a few hours. She’s not going to react kindly to Frank!
rob
Oh. Uh…
dan
Maybe you should go fetch your magic book.
rob
No can do, that’s a book of Necromancy. We’re dealing with inadvertent Demonology here.
dan
(Gives Robert a blank look)
rob
It’d be like waving kryptonite at Spider-Man.
dan
Gotcha.
rob
So, we’re operating on our wits alone, I guess.
dan
Maybe we could-
rob
I said wits, Danny. That means I do the thinking. You just play with your spellbook.
dan
(Suddenly realizing something)
Oh no!
rob
What?
dan
Hand me that oven mitt!
rob
What are you going to do, reach into hell and slap him? Don’t be stupid.
dan
Dammit Robert, there’s no time to talk! If you have an ounce of faith in my abilities, mitt me!
rob
(After the briefest of pauses)
Go for it Danny.
Robert gives Dan the mitt. Dan takes a deep breath and pulls the oven open, removes the tray of muffins, and sets it on top of the stove.
demon
(Quickly)
I will destroy you!
Dan slams the oven door closed. There is a muffled scream from within the oven. Rob dashes over and peeks in, there is no vortex anymore.
rob
Dan! I underestimated you! Brilliant! Just… just brilliant!
dan
Hmm?
rob
Well, obviously it was the concoction disguised as a pastry that created the portal, and so removing it caused it to shut! No more SBVOD!
dan
(Removing a muffin from the tin)
Oh! I just didn’t want them to burn.
(He offers it to Robert)
Want one?
rob
(Stares at Dan)
See, I was almost respecting you for a second there.
They both take a muffin and bite into it. It should be immediately obvious that it tastes terrible.
dan
I, uh, I guess I should stick to raising the dead.
rob
I think Frank would agree.
THE END
(Leftover muffins may be tossed into the audience)